I really hurt you

& hearing about it, sucks.

Last week I introduced the work of Dr. Harriet Lerner and her impactful research on apologies. The “essential components” of an apology include both the dos and donts of a good apology (see last week’s post for a refresher.)

Now, let’s rewind to before the apology.

Imagine that someone you care about comes to you and tells you that you’ve hurt them, *big time*. They may accuse you of something, or express big emotions — they may paint your behavior in an unflattering light. They may cry or even yell at you. They are angry and hurt and it is because of something they believe you did.

Now, think about what happens in your body being on the receiving end of this moment. You will very likely start to respond within your body before you even utter a word — your pulse will pick up, your breath will become shallow and you will switch into your amygdala brain (the part of your brain that says, We’re under attack! Fight back! Or, freeze! Or flee!) … Surprise! You’re now disregulated.

It takes enormous strength (and tools!) to keep from either becoming defensive, mirroring the attack or dismissing the person and shutting down. If you were to react to your partner (or friend/sibling/parent etc.) in one of those ways, I can almost guarantee there will not be any reconciliation but instead, an escalation of conflict between you (and further hurt.)

“There is no greater challenge than that of listening without defensiveness, especially when we do not want to hear what the other person is telling us” (Lerner, p. 47)

So, how do we do that?

Here are some of Dr. Lerner’s best tools for listening non defensively when you’re on the receiving end of criticism —

1. Name and notice the defensiveness in your body.

   1. Say to yourself: I am feeling defensive. When we can name an emotion, it inherently helps us separate from it and calm down. By naming it, we can create some distance from the experience (even if its minuscule) and we can work to get in control vs. letting it control us.

2. Breathe. Sit back. Slow it down.

   1. The best thing you can do for yourself in a moment like this is to breathe. Slow down your breath, because defensiveness starts in the body. If you are disregulated and outside of your body, there is no chance you will be able to listen with any empathy, curiosity or openness.

   2. Start with slow inhales and exhales. If you still feel activated, I recommend the 4-4-8 method of breathing to my clients. Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts and then slowly exhale for 8 counts. This means you are losing some oxygen - which helps to stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system (and calms you down.) Do it a few times in a row.

3. Listen only to understand.

   1. You are looking to find what you agree with. Do not interrupt, argue, correct facts or bring up your own criticisms and complaints. This is not the moment for your rebuttal, that can take place at another time.

4. Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand.

   1. If criticism feels vague (for example, “I feel like you treat me terribly”) ask for a concrete example; (“can you give me another example of a time when you felt I was treating you terribly?”) We are not nitpicking or cross examining, we are showing genuine curiosity.

5. Find something you can agree with. What’s the common ground?

   1. You may only agree on 5% of what the other person is sharing with you. Highlight and affirm that piece. If you cannot find anything you agree with, thank them for coming to you and assure them you are going to keep thinking about your role in the situation (#7.)

6. Apologize for your part.

   1. This may not be a fully thought out apology to start but it will indicate that you want to take accountability for your role in the conflict. An initial type of apology may sound like “I want to apologize for the hurt I caused you. I hear it and want to spend more time thinking about my role and how to rectify my behavior.” It indicates a spirit of collaboration not combat.

7. Let them know they have been heard and you are going to continue thinking about what they’ve shared.

   1. You may need some time to sit with what you’ve heard. You may need time to sift through what they’ve shared and how you feel. It may require time for you to get out of your shoes and step into theirs.

   2. It could sound something like “It is really hard to hear this. I want to take some time to sit with what you’ve shared.”

8. Thank them for sharing with you.

   1. It takes immense bravery and vulnerability to tell someone that they’ve hurt you. In a recent session with a family who has struggled with conflict (they are very avoidant for fear of hurting each other) one member of the family said, “I want us to look at conflict as a bid for closeness” … ie. when we bring it back up, we are saying that we care enough about this relationship to keep fighting for it to be better.

   2. Can we look at these confrontations as an opportunity to be called in deeper to the relationship vs. being called out?

9. Circle back.

   1. I cannot think of a more loving or meaningful act than saying, “I’ve been thinking about what you said. I want to know how you’re feeling and if there is more you want to share?”

   2. Taking the initiative to come back to the table, continue the discussion and/or begin an apology is how trust is built within relationships. I can trust that even if you walk away and say you need some space, you will come back. My feelings will not be ignored and that is everything (especially to those who have an anxious attachment style!)

10. No insults.

    1. If you feel like you are fielding complaints with insults or disrespectful language, you are entitled to step back from the conversation. Non defensive listening does not mean you are a punching bag for bad behavior.

    2. Tell your partner, “I hear that I’ve hurt you and you’re very upset. I want to hear what is bothering you, but I need you to approach me with respect.”

11. Make sure you’re in a place to actually listen. If you aren’t - circle back at another time.

    1. You may notice your body is completely disregulated and you cannot get it back online. It is ok to tell your partner - “I really want to hear what is bothering you but I don’t think I can listen the way I need to right now.” If that is your approach, you are then responsible for circling back and reinitiating the conversation. Giving them a time frame when you plan to return to the conversation is highly encouraged.

12. Define your differences.

    1. If you hear your partner’s criticism or experience of a moment and you completely disagree, that is ok. Please differentiate the time between listening and apologizing for the hurt that was cause and then another conversation that you can share your own interpretation of events or feelings about the exchange. Both are valid and need to be held.

(Lerner, 2017 p. 48-51).

I hope this is a helpful list of tools and approaches to sit in the discomfort - and to stay curious and open with your people.

One final note:

I work with couples all the time who believe that if they just solve for a few topics they will be fine and their conflicts will go away. While, that may be true in some ways (conflict can be greatly diminished in both frequency and intensity), they will continue to (unintentionally) hurt one another over the course of their relationship.

That is what humans do. We don’t intend to hurt the people we love, but we do and we will because people make mistakes and we are not relationship robots.

Let’s shift the goal from avoiding conflict in our relationships to learning how to hold these moments with compassion and grace, together.

with gratitude,

Sasha