What are you plugging into?
is your 'self care' actually giving you energy?
As a working parent, like many of you, my free time is very precious. Much of my non working time is devoted to my three kids and their various needs, meals and activities - leaving a few very previous hours that can act as “self care.”
Now, I actually *hate* the term ‘self care’ because what was initially (I think?) meant to be a term about mental health, became commoditized and skewed into something that was more about buying things and tending to ones physical beauty than actually tending to our inner world.
Don’t get me wrong, I am the first person in line for a massage or a facial - I love some indulgent treatments - but I want to introduce the way I think about caring for ourselves, in terms of a personal battery life.
I have found that our mood is deeply connected to our energy levels. When we feel depleted, our mood is more likely to be low and susceptible to depression, interpersonal conflict and anxiety. Learning to recharge your battery and intentionally care for your energy levels is absolutely key to managing mood and being in a happier place with your partner (and your children.)
I recently had a conversation with a dear friend who shared her struggle to wind down in the evenings in a way that felt good; she finds herself (like so many of us) collapsing at the end of the day once the kids are down, without any energy and numbing out on by scrolling her phone.
I am sure this sounds familiar to many (if not most of us); only to look up and it’s past our bedtime and we’ve been scrolling for hours and do not feel any more energized than we did when we started. In fact, we’ve probably done some ill advised impulse shopping, seen a triggering story that has our anxiety spiking, and been fed some sort of instagram influencer nonsense about a green powder that will absolutely change your life and give you energy if you spend one thousand dollars a month and then post about it.
Often times, we’re unplugging and expecting to feel better and more energized when in fact, unplugging is just numbing. Numbing tends to act as a pause on your energy levels - not necessarily depleting them, but definitely not restoring them. Numbing activities can look like scrolling our phone, watching mindless tv, drinking alcohol and using drugs - they aren’t inherently bad - but they aren’t fixing the problem of recharging your battery.
In the moment, the numbing helps you turn off — but it likely has a downside on the back end, leaving you reeling from the impact of your numbing activity. For example, Instagram scrolling may leave you with more comparison thoughts and anxiety, and drinking leaves you hung over and acts as a depressant. It ultimately sets you back and drains your battery.
Now, think about all the things that are plugged into you. Your work, your kids, your relationships, the housework, the to do list etc etc etc. Those are the drains on your energy source on a daily basis. If you are consistently being plugged into, and then unplugging to pause, it still leaves you with a low and draining battery.
So, what do you plug into to restore your energy levels? — how do you care for yourself so that you can continue caring for others? This, I have found, especially for mothers, is the hardest question to answer. When I prompt my clients to think about things that they plug into, it’s either quite a challenge (because they haven’t had space for themselves in a long time) OR, they do have a lot of things that bring them joy and energy but do not have the space/time/energy to make a plan to do those things. Many of these fun things don’t fit in the after bedtime, home trapped hours — so, they find themselves defaulting to the easiest activity… likely scrolling.
Here are some prompts to help you think about this - and some ideas.
Inspired from The Artist’s Way; Revisiting Old Joys
Make a list of 10 activities both outside and inside the house that you have loved to do in the past.
After you create your list, write down next to each of the 20 activities when was the last time you did said activity and the frequency.
Going through this might bring into clarity that the last time you took a long bath (for example) was actually 4 months ago. The last time you sat with a great novel was last year. The last time you hosted a fun dinner party for friends was…a long time ago.
Is there anything you want to bring back into your life?
How to make the time?
This is obviously one of the hardest components to the puzzle - how to make time for yourself with an endless list of responsibilities.
When are the moments you feel your best? Morning? Evening? Midday? (Use your natural energy cycle and take advantage of it; if I were to try to plan something at night after bedtime, 99% sure I wouldn’t follow through because I would be too tired. If I commit to something in the morning, because that’s when I feel most energized, it’s far more likely to come to fruition.)
Are you internally motivated, or externally motivated? Meaning, if I tell myself I want to do something, that commitment to myself is enough to follow through (internally motivated); if I want to do something, I may need to make a plan with a friend who will hold me accountable / pay for a workout class ahead of time - make it so that someone else is connected to the plan to help you follow through (external motivation.)
once you know how you best manage your time and follow through on plans, you can better set yourself up for success.1
Choose a day/time - make a date with yourself - and communicate to your partner so that there is coverage. Just as I advise with date night routines, if you can keep your ‘me’ time in a specific time, it makes planning for and around, far easier.
Slide vs. Decide
I love this concept - and honestly, it could be it’s own newsletter - but I do find that it makes a huge difference in this context.
If I “slide” into an action, I’m not being intentional. It just happens and I let inertia take me over. If I “decide” - I am empowered to make a choice, and it feels different in my body.
the example I often give to describe this concept is the lazy evening - not sure what to cook, watching the tv without much thought - it becomes too late to cook so I order take out. This is a slide. It’s absolutely fine, we all have days like this, but it doesn’t really feel that great from an energy and intention perspective. I basically just found myself in a situation.
Now, if I know I have a busy day and I’m not going to have time to cook dinner, I might text my husband - why don’t we order Indian tonight and watch our show? There is some planning, but there is also some fun anticipation and agency in the decision. The mental decision of dinner has been made and cleared from my queue.
Those two evenings, on paper, look pretty similar - we order take out and watch a show, but they feel very different to our battery life.
Slide vs. Decide can be applied to a number of different things (relational therapists often use it to talk about how couples either slide or decide to move into relationship milestones, like moving in together/marriage/kids etc.) but I also find it so helpful in a micro context — when we decide, it aligns with our energy and helps to rebuild the battery by “accomplishing” a plan.
How to recharge at home (for the nap & bedtime trapped parents)
As a parent with a challenging bedtime routine (I have a night owl 4 year old), I find it hard to plan for a lot in the evenings — in fact, I know if I have something planned, I will be rushed and grumpy with my kids during their bedtime. Lately, I’m working on telling myself that I have nothing planned after bedtime; this way, I can more easily read another chapter of their book and snuggle a little longer - and that feels like a decision I’ve made for how my night is spent (and I am mindful to have evenings not doing bedtime to preserve my energy and avoid burnout.) I have learned that my “me” time has to be done during pockets of the day when the kids are at school (which is, of course, a privilege of a flexible work schedule.)
That is absolutely not the right approach for everyone - and some parents, especially with one child or children that crash at 7 p (lucky!) - they have the whole night ahead of them! So, while they are home, I recommend choosing 1-2 nights a week where working, cleaning, to do list is actually off the table.
Come back to the list of at home activities you love, and plan ahead to do that.
It may be watching a show you love - great! But add in a yummy snack and bowl of popcorn to make it special. Or, grab that knitting or needlepoint project you have stuffed in a drawer and pull it out while you watch.
Get in bed early with a great book and a cup of tea! (my personal preference :))
Do an at home yoga class to unwind before bed.
Work on a puzzle or an art project and listen to an audio book or podcast
If you and your partner are both at home, determine if it would feel ok for one of you to duck out every now and then to socialize with friends, take a workout class etc. Take turns - you both deserve it.
Are you allowing things to plug into you that don’t need to belong?
this prompt requires a certain level of introspection - can you make a list of things that take up your brain space? What is plugging into you and taking up energy on a daily/weekly/monthly basis?
How does this list align with your values and priorities? Obviously for many of us, kids will take a huge chunk of the energy pie - but think specifically about the things that feel hardest for you and like the biggest drains on your energy; examine them and determine if there are alternatives to the task / other ways to manage it.
An example from my own life: school lunches.
I used to feel pretty exhausted and resentful of the school lunch process. I make 3 lunches 5x a week and started to feel annoyed by how much time it would take from my morning.
I explored that feeling - what are my options? I could buy school lunch for my kids, I could outsource school lunches to our caregiver, I could ask my partner to take over half the week. All of those options didn’t really sit with me — I realized, I actually really like making my kids a colorful, healthy lunch and I don’t want to outsource this task to anyone.
Once I made my decision around this - and confirmed that this is part of my energy pie, I actively chose to release the resentment and embrace the task, knowing I had alternatives that I wasn’t choosing to take. It is a choice that I continue to make because it aligns with my preferences and values.
An example of something I’ve let go of -
I do not do the dishes late at night. I often leave a dirty kitchen after hosting a dinner party. I would much rather spend time with friends and/or get in bed early, and manage the mess in the morning. Letting go of the narrative that I had to go to bed with a clean kitchen was deeply liberating and bought me back some portion of the energy pie.
There may be some deeper, harder things that take your energy. Perhaps a difficult friendship that requires a lot of time, or conflict with your partner. These things may require a reworking of your energy pie — either investing in time to repair your relationships and exploring the things that can be released while you do so.
I hope this can help prompt some self exploration around energy and time — think about what is plugging into you, what you do to unplug and what you plug into to recharge, thoughtfully.
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Thank you, as always, for reading along!
with gratitude,
Sasha
Inspired by Better Than Before, by Gretchen Rubin.