Something we get wrong about love languages
a trap I see couples fall into all the time
Love languages have earned their time in the spotlight — a relational self-help book written by Gary Chapman in the early 1990s, The Five Love Languages is now part of our regular vernacular. (If you’ve subscribed to this relational therapy newsletter, it is very likely you are quite familiar with the love languages concept.)
In the last decade of my clinical work — it’s amazing to see how the concept has become mainstream; now, couples more often than not come into therapy already having identified their love languages and use it to help explain a tension point in their dynamic.
While couples in therapy tend to require more than just insight around their love languages (people can usually explore this on their own), helping couples understand both how they and their partner feel most loved is imperative to building a positive foundation alongside what can be the harder and more complicated therapeutic work.
The Five Love Languages is a simple concept - but I find, not as easy to implement as many would hope. Simple, not easy.
In today’s newsletter — I’ll give a quick refresher on love languages, including some personal examples, and I’ll share the two traps that I see so many of my couples fall into as they work to show their partner’s love.
The Five Love Languages
Words of Affirmation
sometimes, the words are as simple as “thank you” or “I love you” - often, this is a person who wants to be seen for who they are and what they do.
words of affirmation can also be declarations of love, praise (private or public), encouragement and verbal support.
personal example: I joke that my husband is Slow Magic’s biggest hype man. He is the first person to talk about this newsletter to his friends and colleagues - encouraging them to subscribe and sharing how amazing this resource is for couples and parents. (Thanks honey!) His words of affirmation/ encouragement/public praise - make me feel loved.
Acts of Service
a cup of coffee in the morning, filling up the car with gas, planning the date night; acts of service are the quiet ways someone can show and receive love, without words.
I have a long time male client who is not overly “emotional” (his words) — but the way he shows love is through acts of service; he takes care of his people, less with verbal declarations of love or emotion, but with consistent actions. He will always make his partner a cup of coffee in the morning, buy flowers for special occasions, reach out to her family for their birthdays, make time for her to do the things she loves etc.
this is the love language that I see so many parents step into in the early years of parenthood; and sometimes, the way to feel most loved is for someone to take that dreaded “task” off your list and do it for you because they know you hate it. (those dirty pump parts… iykyk)
personal example: my husband recently pulled his back out from a long flight and was in pain for days; while he was trying to move through it and stretch etc. I immediately booked him a long massage and sent him off during a stretch of weekend chaos. (yes, yes, wife of the year! go me! ;)) [remember this example, more on this in a moment!]
Quality Time
for some people this is merely sitting on the couch watching tv together and snuggling with nothing on the agenda while for some people this is intentionally doing a certain activity or stepping out of the daily grind for a shared adventure.
Quality time could be the 20 minutes of quiet time together drinking coffee before your kids wake up, or the 10 minutes of pillow talk before bed — just as it can be a date night or hike or longer vacation.
Physical Touch
people often forget that physical touch is a spectrum — it’s not just the amount you have intercourse (though that is certainly a major point of connection for many people), but also hand holding, hugs, cuddling and kissing.
someone who has physical touch as a top love language isn’t necessarily overly touchy or PDA packed - but the moments they are touched (hug, kiss, intimacy etc.) are often when they feel the most cared for, safe and loved by their partner.
Gifts
ok, I think gifts gets a bad rap. Yes, this could be someone who wants a gift to mark occasions, or feels loved when there is a package to unwrap — but it is often that they feel loved when they see the thought that went into the gift. They feel seen and loved with the presence of a present.
personal example: my MIL is a gift giver. Every time she sees my kids she comes with a suitcase of gifts for them, and I know she gets incredible pleasure out of seeing their faces light up with excitement. AND, I know, she feels the most loved through gifts herself. After a few years of bungling it (because gifts aren’t my first love language), I realized how important it was to get her a thoughtful gift for her birthday, mothers day, and holidays. It is how she feels most loved.
OK - so that is the refresher on love languages. Hopefully while reading you were able to identify with a few of these and feel some clarity on the ways you want to feel most loved.
If you feel a little lost there is quiz online you can take to help give more clarity!
Now, let’s talk about the two main traps I see when talking about love languages with couples.
Trap 1:
The first (more obvious) one is that we are giving the love we want to receive and then wondering why our partner’s don’t feel our love (when the effort is there!)
Remember the example I shared about my husband’s back? I am a hero for scheduling him a massage and gifting him a free child free afternoon to heal. So nice, so thoughtful.
Well, guess what my top love language is? Yep. Acts of Service. (well, tied with words of affirmation, but I’ve never claimed to be a low maintenance partner!)
Did my husband enjoy the massage? Yes. Did he express his gratitude? Of course. Did he feel cared for and loved by me - yes! But did I actually hit his main receptors for love language… no. Why? His top love language is quality time. I gave him the love language I value most!
Now, I could absolutely sit here and say, look at what I did to make that happen (money, time, childcare solo) - why don’t you feel so loved?! … but that misses the point. The trap is that despite the effort or sacrifice on my end, I was still speaking my language, not his.
To be clear, I’m not saying we should only show love in one way - I think it should be our goal to give all of the love languages in some way, every day. But when we’re thinking about intentional love and care for our partner’s we need to be mindful that we’re often slipping into our own “language” instead of working to become fluent in our partner’s.
Trap 2:
This is a sneakier trap — and it often gets parents.
Very, very (very) often I talk to couples about the ways they are showing love and feeling loved in their relationship. When we get into the nitty gritty of those details - it is clear to me that so much of the effort given to show love is actually family and household love. Not romantic, specifically for your partner, love.
Some clinical examples to further explain —
I have a couple where one partner shows love with acts of service. She is a doer- and often, the ways she shows her love is by meal prepping for their week (to take pressure off them!), cooking dinner (to feed them!) or cleaning the house (everyone loves a clean house!). All of these things are great, helpful, and necessary. AND, she and her partner continue to get stuck.
Now, its not the reason you would think. You may be saying, well of course, her partner’s love language is not acts of service — she probably is falling into trap 1! … yes (that’s true) AND, this would be a trap even if her partner’s love language was acts of service.
So often we’re doing things for our partner’s - but they are really things we already have to do for our homes and families. Making dinner is something that has to happen — it’s lovely and wonderful to cook for your partner/family but let’s make a distinction:
I cooked dinner for my family using a quick weeknight recipe. I got it on the table after a full work day and made sure everyone was fed. Amazing. Nurturing for everyone, including me!
I spent time researching a recipe from my husband’s favorite cuisine - I worked to make it a special meal because I know HE loves this dish. This distinguishes between taking an everyday task off my partner’s list and turning that same task into an intentional act of love for him.
^looks the same on paper, but feels realllllly different as the recipient.
When I talk about love languages with couples it can be small everyday things - of course. Making dinner, cleaning the house, taking over bedtime so your partner has the night off - all loving. AND, especially for parents I want to encourage us to separate domestic acts of love with romantic acts of love.
It is so easy to fall into the trap of giving, giving, giving at home and then having nothing left to give in the romantic sphere. If we consider our daily tasks as love languages to our partner, we’re losing the opportunity to center them as our romantic partner sometimes, too.
Prompts for you!
What is your love language? Do you know and understand the ins and outs? Do you have memories or moments you can use to highlight for your partner?
What is your partner’s love language? Do you know the ins and outs of their experience?
Find one new way to show your partner love, this week.
Notice the ways that you show love to your family and household and ask yourself, what did I tell myself about this act?
Notice the ways you show love, specifically to your romantic partner. Explore how that lands, and if there are opportunities to build in.
As always, thank you for reading along —
with gratitude,
Sasha