Sliding Door Moments
are you unintentionally closing the door on your partner?
The term “sliding door moment” is coined by relationship researcher and author, John Gottman1 — he describes the moment one partner tries to seek attention, connection or reassurance. Their partner is faced with the option to slide the door open for connection or, ignore their ‘ask’ and slide the door closed.
These are "bids for connection” - it’s the ‘ask’ to connect and attune to one another and, over time, these bids are the components to building trust in a relationship. It may seem small, but the more you can slide the door open, the more you are building and reinforcing the foundational building blocks for intimacy.
Bids for connection can be overt asks like, “I had a terrible day, I need a hug” (communicative, clear, partner is self aware about their needs in the moment, hooray!) but, more often, they are sneaky unnamed desires that require our partner to lean in a little closer.
Here are some examples of the not so obvious bids for connection between fictional partner 1 and partner 2 (& responses!) :)
Bid: Partner 1 begins to share about something that happened to them during their day.
closed door response: partner 2 is distracted on their phone and/or unwilling to put it down to engage.
open door response: partner 2 tracks their partner’s share, puts down the phone and says - “Sorry, can you start again? I want to hear all about this.”
Bid: partner 1 shares a fantasy or a dream for the future
Closed: partner 2 responds with an uninterested “mhmmm” or silence.
Open: partner 2 actively listens and asks engaging questions, showing curiosity. Perhaps they share their own related fantasies in return.
Bid: partner 1 is in a nearby space, looking tearful or reserved (or showing another large emotion)
closed: partner 2 ignores it, hoping their mood lifts and they will be off the hook to comfort.
open: partner 2 approaches partner 1, names the emotion they see and offers support, reassurance and comfort.
Bid: partner 1 watches the baby do something for the first time and looks to partner 2 to share in the delight of their child, hoping for a moment of connection.
closed: partner 2 is on their phone or distracted, and when prompted, doesn’t show matched interest or sadness for missing the moment.
open: partner 2 acknowledges the missed moment without defensiveness, expresses remorse and enthusiasm for the moment on behalf of their child.
Of course, we are all human - we are going to miss and frankly, fuck up many bids for connection over the course of our relationship. However, an abundance of closed door responses can lead to a degradation of trust in the relationship. If my partner continuously responds with the "closed door” approach, I may start to question - am I important to you? Do you like me? do you like what I have to say and share? Can I trust you to show up for me, and our family?
Prompts for the week:
Keep an eye out for a sliding door moment from your partner. Is there a moment when you sense their desire for connection… can you slide the door open and walk through to them?
Can you explore your willingness to make your own bid for connection? How does it feel to have your partner slide the door open? Or, how does it feel if the door slides closed? Notice the experience and name the emotion.
If you like this post, please share with your partner (or a friend!) and leave a comment about relationship topics you’d like to learn more about!
with gratitude,
Sasha
What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman and Nan Silver