maternal gatekeeping
ways we're undercutting our co parents/partners without realizing
This past weekend was a bit of whirlwhind. We had multiple kid birthday parties, playdates and on top of that, I had a doctors appointment at 930 am Saturday morning. Great timing.
I told my husband about the conflict and he assured me that he would take all 3 kids to the park and I could meet them there, not to worry. Then, as I was walking out, I overheard the plan from my 4 year old - “let’s roller skate to the playground!”
A (big) part of me wanted to circle back and ensure that my husband (their father) knew where the roller skate pads and helmets were; I wanted to make sure that he knew to bring the kids each a set of sneakers because there is *no way* they will want to stay in the skates once they’re at the playground. And, did he know that the baby probably needed gloves because it’s getting cold? What about snacks? Water bottles? Was he really prepared for the logistics of this outing… had he thought it all through?
Pause. Breathe.
Another more intentional part of me (thankfully) took over. I said to myself, this is not my job. He is fully capable of managing this whole circus. If I intervene, I am sending a message not just to my husband that I don’t think he’s capable, but also to my kids, that their dad can’t manage the outing without using mom’s brain.
I then had to do some self talk to manage my anxiety; the stakes were low. (Cognitive restructuring) If he forgets sneakers, they’ll run around in socks or they will stay in their skates. If they are cold, they can manage (it was 50 degrees). If they don’t have snacks, well, they just ate breakfast and no one will starve. Etc etc. I was able to talk myself down from all of my (very minor but compounded) concerns and continue on my merry way.
This is a great example of how maternal gatekeeping can show up, (even with couples who have been parenting together for almost a decade.)
Maternal Gatekeeping is a concept that refers to the dynamic in which one parent (often the mother who starts as the primary parent due to biology) controls, criticizes or critiques her co-parent’s interactions/involvement with their child, resulting in the partner’s disengagement from parenting duties, learned “ineptitude” at specific tasks and, usually diminished self esteem as a parent (not to mention, tension within the couple.)
We see this both acutely and subtly with couples and it unfortunately compounds over time, both hurting the parenting relationship, co-parenting trust AND the marriage.
Here are a few acute examples (I have likely also done all of these, so be gentle with yourself)—
Partner A changes the baby’s diaper and Partner B looks over and says, “Oh that’s not the right way to do that” or “the baby likes when you do the cream this way” and then steps in. Partner A maybe feels grateful for the tip, but maybe feels micro managed and criticized. Partner B has proclaimed themself the “expert” of your shared baby, and it leaves Partner A feeling lesser.
Partner A tries to calm the baby; baby screams and cries. Partner A is handling it and staying calm but Partner B struggles to hear the baby in distress and doesn’t trust their partner to calm the baby. Partner B steps in says “I’ve got it” and leaves Partner A to feel inadequate and/or incompetent.
Partner A goes to leave the house and forgets the wipes! The horror! Partner B sees the mistake and criticizes Partner A for being so forgetful and careless. Partner B then talks to their friends about how useless their partner is and how they have to manage everything for them. Partner B begins to feel extremely resentful of Partner A for not being an equal help.
A more subtle example might be what I could’ve done before leaving for my doctor’s appointment last weekend (see above.) I could’ve delayed my departure and stepped in to prep everything before leaving or I could’ve called my husband from the car to remind him not to forget all the aforementioned gear. In a severe case, I might have tried to talk him out of doing something really fun because of my own discomfort. I might see it as being helpful - while he would likely see it as micromanaging and a lack of trust on my end.
Spoiler alert - everything was fine (duh). My kids had a grand old time roller skating, and then at the park. I went to meet them and they had both coats and sneakers! There were snacks and everyone was happy. Even if they were missing all of those things, it still would’ve been fine.
It was a great (and welcomed) reminder that the more I involve myself, the more I tell myself I need to be involved.
Take a step back, remove yourself every once in a while and see how your partner shows up. If they flail, let them. That’s how they learn to be the type of parent they want to be, not the parent *you* want them to be. Your kids need both!
And, you get a true (mental and physical) break. You’re welcome!
How does gatekeeping show up in your home? Share with your partner and talk about it!
thanks for reading, it means so much to me!
with gratitude,
Sasha
ps. taking next week off - Happy Thanksgiving!