Dancing partners
and other bizarre metaphors for couples attachment styles and dynamics :)
I got so many thoughtful messages last week about attachment style; it clearly struck a chord with some of you and hopefully has your relational wheels turning!
This week, I want to give more clinical examples about the the three different kinds of attachment style combinations I see within my couples therapy practice (no specifics are shared and minor details are switched around in order to protect my clients’ identities, just fyi.)
Let’s start with the first type of combo:
SECURE COUPLES:
OK, so let’s talk a little about securely attached people;
“they are programmed to expect their partners’ to be loving and responsive and don’t worry much about losing their partners’ love. They feel extremely comfortable with intimacy and closeness and have an uncanny ability to communicate their needs and respond to their partners’ needs” (p 135).
The research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style.1 It is, as the kids would say, #goals. Ideally, you and your partner are both secure and able to have clear, loving, effective communication and deeply growing intimacy. I certainly work with couples all the time who are both securely attached and come to therapy to work through specific life transitions (grief, postpartum transitions, etc.) and improve their intimacy.
Yet, even securely attached people get triggered - and sometimes they can revert or lean on old habits and behaviors that look anxious or avoidant (we call them “protest behaviors”. Most often it looks like one partner becoming overwhelmed and lashing out (or shutting down etc.), only to be able to communicate their feelings after the fact. They are usually able to get to the source of their hurt and explain their behavior.
Our work in therapy is then helping create awareness around that tendency and giving secure alternatives and teaching more effective communication, instead. Because they are actually mostly secure, this is usually a pretty easy process and can be worked through with a lot of care, humor and relative ease.
case example: I worked with a couple many years ago that was in the midst of growing their family and trying to manage work, kids, life and their relationship; it was busy and chaotic and they were both exhausted (sound familiar?) They also clearly really loved each other and had a great friendship (when they had the time to enjoy it). The issue mostly felt like they had no time to nurture their connection… but then they experienced loss.
The female client initiated couples therapy after repeated miscarriages. It was heartbreaking and confusing and they both were devastated. However, they didn’t have the time or bandwidth or skills to connect in their grief. They were both securely attached, and neither of them were acting out in harmful ways, but they were clearly missing each other and needed a therapeutic space to slow down, reconnect and grieve together.
Our therapy was very short, but the sessions were focused on improving communication, stating needs (and expressing hurts) and working to help them build time for their partnership within their busy lives. We also created space for them to think about how they wanted to honor their losses and continue thinking/ planning / dreaming about their family.
COMBO COUPLES - Secure & Insecure:
The second type of couple I see in my ‘office’ is the combination between a securely attached client and their ‘insecure’ partner (who is either avoidant or anxiously attached). This can feel challenging because often, the therapy feels one sided to the insecure partner, (“why am I always the one doing something wrong?” Or, “I feel like we’re always focusing on me?”) It can be initially painful to confront the dynamic and to name the difference in attachment styles, but once it is identified, there is clear work for each partner.
The great news in this scenario too is that the research shows that securely attached partners have a buffering effect in their relationships, bringing their partner’s relational satisfaction and functioning up to their level.2 So, the therapy work is just as important for the securely attached partner to know how they can help their partner work towards a more secure relationship.
An anxious partner will need more reassurance and support, while an avoidant partner will need more space and easy opportunities for safe intimacy. The more each of these needs can be met with clarity and compassion, the greater movement towards overall security in the relationship.
Case example: I often think of a couple I worked with many years ago who fits this description. She was anxious and he was very secure. Very often she would use protest behaviors to see how much she meant to him — either trying to make him jealous in small ways, or picking fights — at the core was the deeper, more vulnerable question - am I important? Do you love me? At first, the behavior felt so confusing and out of the blue, but as we dug more in therapy, it was clear the protest behaviors came soon after a perceived threat to the relationship.
Once the male partner understood the vulnerability behind the behavior he no longer engaged with the protest behavior but the deep ask underneath - he would hug her, hold her, tell her he loved her and that she had nothing to worry about. Because he was deeply secure, was able to avoid defensiveness or activation traps and just see her behavior as a need for reassurance. After working through this together, they ultimately reported that over time the anxious behaviors went away almost entirely.
ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT COUPLES:
OK, the third and probably most juicy (and complicated) combination that I work with is couples who are Anxious and Avoidant. It’s the classic, I pursue, he withdraws…the more I pursue, the more he withdraws. It’s the age old dance that couples therapists are *very* familiar with (as you might imagine, these are couples that seek therapy because they get very, very stuck.)
Case example: I work with a heterosexual couple where the male partner is highly anxious and the female partner is avoidant. She feels she is not supported by her partner emotionally, and although he means well, he often does not help with the kids, the house or see when she needs a break. They reach a boiling point in which she breaks down, lashes out and then needs space from him (and questions their relationship altogether). The space, in turn, triggers her partner (who runs anxious) and makes him feel like the relationship isn’t secure (in that moment, it isn’t). The more he feels this, the more he tries to initiate physical touch (his method for reassurance), only further pushing her away, making her feel that he doesn’t at all understand her or why she’s upset. They continue to trigger one another - pursue, withdraw, pursue, withdraw.
Unfortunately, the combination of anxious and avoidant is a deep incongruence of needs —
“conflict is often left unresolved because the resolution itself creates too much intimacy. If you are anxious or secure, you genuinely want to work out a relationship problem. However, the resolution itself often brings a couple closer together - this is a scenario that, however unconsciously, the avoidant partner wants to avoid” (p. 161)… “what often happens at this point, if you are anxious, is that you not only fail to resolve the original conflict but now find yourself in a worse position than you were in the first place” (p.162)
This couple dynamic is an especially painful one; by the time couples come to me, they have already created a number of patterns and wounds with this dance. And, some of the most treasured and inspiring couples I work with are those who are stuck in this dance; they are committed to each other, to their therapy and continue to show up, every week, and work towards greater security. It is the greatest honor to walk alongside them (uphill!) in this work.
Next week, we’ll go through more specific tools for working your way towards a more secure relationship.
Please, keep reaching out with questions or thoughts - I love talking about this with you! As always, thank you for reading — please share, if you’d like.
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with gratitude,
Sasha
Levine & Heller, Attached. p. 132
Levine & Heller, Attached. p. 133