Capability vs. Capacity
a much kinder way to think about what we can and cannot do
This framing is relatively new to me — it actually came up in conversation with my child’s teacher a few months ago (thank god for the teachers!!!) as she was helping to offer a kinder reframe around behaviors. I’ve been using it in my sessions (& my life) so much, since then.
Capability: the power or ability to do something; the extent of someone’s abilities
Capacity: the amount that something can contain; the amount that something(one) can produce
We are so often conflating these two things — but when we pull them apart, the self talk and recognition of our state of being, is so much kinder.
Here are some examples —
I am capable of cooking. I do not have capacity to cook dinner tonight.
I am capable of writing these newsletters, but at 10 pm, my capacity to write, read, edit (think) is not available.
I am capable of speaking calmly and patiently, and right now, after a long work day and/or a million triggers, my capacity to do that feels greatly diminished and I have to work much harder to stay calm and patient.
I am capable of saying yes to every career opportunity that comes my way; I do not have capacity to participate the way I would like to and be present for my family.
My child is capable of dressing herself; when she’s overtired or having a tough morning, her capacity is limited and she needs some help.
My child can buckle herself in the car, but if she feels rushed or pressured (or has a giant coat on), her capacity to handle that task on her own is much more difficult.
My two year old is not capable of reading. My 8 year old is capable of reading, but if she becomes overwhelmed or is very tired, her capacity is diminished and she requests a little help.
We can acknowledge that yes, we are physically/technically capable of doing most things — more often than not, we are actually discussing our capacity at a certain moment in time (dependent on mood, energy, context) to do that same thing.
This acknowledges both our potential (capability!) and honors our state of mind at any given moment in time (capacity!)
If I’m exhausted at the end of the week, my capacity is greatly diminished. That is completely normal; and acknowledging that, isn’t saying I am not capable (we’re not discussing my self worth or abilities as a person), it’s merely a moment in time that is honest about what my mind and body is available to do.
Relationally — I find this so helpful.
I know my husband is capable of cleaning up after himself, but maybe I can acknowledge after a very crazy day or long work week or I know he's been battling a cold for a while - his capacity is diminished at this specific moment in time. Just as I hope that kindness is bestowed upon me when I am not at full capacity, it is a more loving way to observe our people’s behaviors. (Similar to a most generous interpretation)
Once I had this framing, I was able to slow down both my self talk - to examine capability vs. capacity, but also sit with my clients to help challenge some of their stories of capability and replace it with narratives of capacity.
As always, thank you for reading.
with gratitude,
Sasha
Next week, I’m sharing a conversation with my old friend, colleague, brilliant sex & couples therapist, Dr. Rachel Zar; we talk about traditional couples therapy vs. sex therapy and what is necessary for an evolving & dynamic sex life as we age. She is filled with so much wisdom, and I feel so honored she spent some time with me, for Slow Magic.
I hope you’ll read along — it’s so juicy and brilliant.