Back to School!
a fresh start for our homes & partnerships
If you are like me, you are trudging to the finish line of summer. I’ve cobbled together a mish mosh of half day camp, full day camp, babysitting and grandparent help to get through these last few days and weeks of summer. We’re almost1 there and I am so very ready for some semblance of routine.
While ‘back to school’ isn’t exactly a season for most adults (except our beloved teachers and school administrators!) or parents of babies, those of us with school aged kiddos can really use it as an invitation to rethink how we’re spending our time and dividing our time in our partnerships.
I am fascinated by how my friends, my clients - basically everyone - manages their homes, lives, childcare and division of labor within their partnerships. There is so much that is done behind the scenes that we never hear or know about - and much of my goal in therapy is helping to make the invisible, visible. Bonus! (and kind of the whole point) the research shows that couples who share more of the household labor (and whose partners believe the labor should be shared) are happier in their marriages.
Two relational ideas that always come up during this topic are the topics of “ownership” and “feeling seen.”
Ownership (in this context) is the idea that each person in the couple should have a list of tasks (home and kids) that they “own.” What this means is that the whole thing - from inception to execution is yours to own. If you own laundry for example, you are checking to see how full the baskets are, doing the loads, folding the loads AND putting them away. That’s the full ownership. If you own house projects, you are responsible for seeing that from beginning to end; if you own pet care - you are responsible for daily walks AND the monthly flea and tick medicine, the doctor’s appointments, restocking the food etc. You get the idea!
You can absolutely share ownership; that might look like one partner who does all the meal prep and planning, while the other partner does the weekly grocery shop and makes the meals. This is great - and it needs to be explicit! (An article in favor of splitting ownership and taking turns on tasks!)
So often I work with couples who want their partner to do more but a) they want it done in the time they have deemed appropriate and b) they want it done exactly the way they envisioned. If you agree to let go of ownership, you have to trust your partner to handle the whole thing. You get the gift of taking it off your plate - wholly and completely.
[Now, if your partner isn’t owning the task in a respectful, timely, and thoughtful way - that’s a very different conversation about deeply held beliefs, prioritization and likely gendered socialization (maybe for the next newsletter!) Its a great invitation to dig a bit deeper on the why.]
The second concept that comes up, every single time I talk about this is that we want to feel seen for everything that we do. And, to be clear, this is not a female need — this is a human need. We want to feel seen for taking care of our shared life. Thoughtful words of appreciation go a very long way in this conversation (not the whole way, you actually have to do something, but it helps, a lot!)
Ok, the topic of division of labor is beyond complex and I promised these newsletters would be a manageable length; there are a lot of wonderful resources in this area — so Ill cap myself to three that I love and often recommend to clients:
Eve Rodsky’s book, Fair Play, regarding default household labor and ways to reclaim one’s sanity and time. She also has built a game to help you achieve this equitable division and recently came out with a new book, Find Your Unicorn Space, which I’m very excited to read!
And I love this article about ‘How to Make your Marriage Gayer’ — focusing on the satisfaction rates in gay couples being much higher because they share household tasks more equally and by preference (vs. stereotypical male/female work expectations.) And, comments in response to the article. Highly recommend.
A very old podcast episode of Dear Sugar, in which Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond talk about invisible labor, women often being the list makers/keepers and ways to be more transparent about what each person does within the family. I often have my clients do the exercise they suggest from the podcast.
A way to go deeper with this topic - I encourage you and your partner to have a ‘State of the Union’ discussion before the return to school.
Here is a list of questions you can use as prompts to explore what is working, what is not working, and where things can become more equitable. This is by no means exhaustive, nor is it just for parents with kids going back to school, it’s for couples who are sharing a home and a life and a repopulating to do list. I hope it can be an invitation towards greater awareness and equity within your homes.
[Be forewarned, there are some heavier hitting questions in here so if you get stuck, no stress, jump around and come back to it! If it feels like some of these questions strike a nerve, take some space and do some internal reflection on what came up for you before returning to the conversation.]
How do you see your role in our kids’ lives? Do you feel your actions/time reflect that vision?
How do you see your role in our home and the various tasks/needs it requires? Do you feel your actions/time reflect that vision?
How do you feel about your partner's role and involvement at home and with the kids? Is there an ask here?
What went well last year for our family? What can we replicate?
How did you feel about our kids schedules and how it was managed? Is there something either of you would like pass to the other / or take ownership over?
For example, my husband loves soccer, played soccer as a kid and was excited about our kids joining the soccer team. So, why was I managing soccer registration? Ownership got passed on over!
What caused the most conflict between us in the home/kids category? How can we anticipate this better for the upcoming year?
What do you see as the tasks you have full ownership over in our home and with our kids? [compare answers]
What are the things that continue to fall through the cracks in the home/kids category? [compare answers]
this is likely a list that no one has ownership over and you will need to divvy up according to preference.
How do we feel about the hours of 6 am - 9 am? (Pre School) and 3 pm -8 pm (after school) what could we do differently to better support each other? What does support look like (either from each other or exploring other outsourcing options.)
Can we each have one night or morning a week to do our own thing? Or, one night/morning every other week?
My husband and I switch mornings at home - he gets M/W to leave early and go work out, and I get T/TH. Those are sacred mornings (& save for work travel) we take full ownership over getting our kids fed, ready and off to school on our mornings “on.”
How are you going to build in your weekly date night/ day date? Should we switch the day, this season? What does our schedule look like in regards to this time?
How do you feel you took care of yourself last school year? How do you feel your partner took care of themselves? Do they match up?
What is a goal you have your yourself that you’d like to seek support/time/encouragement from your partner, this year? What does that look like for you?
I hope this can be the start of some juicy and helpful conversations! Happy Back to School!
I hope you share with your partner & subscribe, if you’d like.
with gratitude,
Sasha
Well, kind of, almost; One of my kids doesn’t start school until after Labor Day! Fun!