A recent date night conversation
& other potential reflections for yours
My husband and I were recently on a date and found ourselves in a conversation about our division of labor. Sexy, I know.
As we talked about our never ending home/work/life to do lists and how we split them up - I was able to categorize my feelings about these tasks into three distinct buckets (yes, I imagine being married to me is a total blast.)
The three buckets (with some examples) were:
Things I like to do for our family because I find them very fun.
Family holiday cards, birthday parties with homemade cakes! Hosting dinner parties and holidays. Annual cookie boxes for all our neighbors.
The things I handle because they need to get done and I have made peace with the task.
Packing school lunches, managing permission slips and summer camp enrollments, etc. etc.
I end work earlier than my partner (by design) so I manage pick ups, taking kids to the dentist and orthodontist, extra curriculars; and do the weeknight dinners.
The things I feel should be 50/50.
Bath and bedtimes, making kid breakfasts, unloading and reloading the dishwasher 27 million times, taking care of the dog etc.
Within the three buckets there are layers and exchanges and asks of each other.
For example - Bucket #1 (things I find fun!) also require simultaneous help from my partner and it benefits him.
If I spend days baking cookies over the holidays to give to our neighbors - he will likely be responsible for watching the kids and making sure they don’t stick their hands into the sugar jar or eat raw eggs.
And, he will experience the benefit of my cookies (they are delicious) and the goodwill and gratitude that our family experiences because I’ve loaded our community with holiday sugar.
Now, continuing with this example — because, as you can imagine, we’ve had this conversation many, many times — the exchange around this baking bonanza can be tricky. If my partner didn’t value this holiday tradition, or think it was a worthwhile use of time, the ask of him (watching the kids solo) might not be seen as a fair trade off.
Granted, he can still step up to watch the kids and do so without resentment, knowing it is allowing his partner to do something she loves. Still, a trade off.
Bonus! If he does find it meaningful, then it is something that mutually serves our family and we are both grateful to one another for the team mentality it took to get it done. Also, still a trade off.
Bucket #2 — Things that have to get done, and I do them.
This can feel like a hard bucket and quite honestly, this is where most couples have conflict. It is the crap of parenting, the necessary but annoying tasks that are required to run a family and a household.
These are also the tasks that can make us feel buried in our lists — and under appreciated or unseen by our partners.
What I can almost promise you is that your partner also has their own (probably very long) list in Bucket #2 that you don’t notice, see or acknowledge on a regular basis. They also may feel unseen and undervalued.
Figure out what it is that you need to feel better about bucket #2. Is it being acknowledged? Is it words of appreciation and affirmation? Or, is it acts of service and you actually want your partner to take more off your list and add it to their own?
For me, words of appreciation are huge. I often take the time to go through the list of things I have done and share them with my partner — it is undoubtedly very annoying for him but he knows it is my way of making sure I feel seen and appreciated *now* so that it doesn’t fester and become a larger source of resentment down the road.
He, on the other hand, is a silent warrior and rarely complains or lists in detail all the things he has done for our family or home. Every now and then I get an update of what was handled, ordered, repaired etc. and then I’m reminded that yes, in fact, he also has a very large list - he may just be less vocal about needing appreciation (so it’s my job to keep remembering just because I don’t hear about it, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.) We are both working really hard to keep the ship afloat.
Bucket #3 — 50/50
This is the topic that is the most obvious area of negotiation. First, are we aligned? This is actually quite deep if you want to go there - what are our beliefs around parenting and our roles / involvement/ influence in our kids lives?
What are our beliefs around what is expected of one another - especially if there is disparity in hours we work / if we work out of the home / how much money we make etc?
Are there silent expectations of household/kid ownership that haven’t been explicitly named? (are these the areas that continue to cause tension?)
Understanding our core beliefs around these topics allows for the conversation about what to share 50/50 to be much less emotionally charged, and much more of a team meeting mindset.
Make a list of the chores that each of you believe should be equally owned - either taking turns, or shared. This can look a myriad of ways (you can split laundry between who washes and who folds; you can take turns each night doing bedtime etc.)
Not everything can be perfectly scheduled or shared — I personally am not going to keep track of how often I loaded or unloaded the dishwasher. I am trusting that this is a task we both handle when we see it needs to be done. We are a team that sometimes isn’t completely 50/50 day to day, but we are 50/50 in the grand scheme of this task. [*and* if I feel like I’ve been doing it non stop and without respite for a few days or weeks, I might mention something.]
This is obviously not an exhaustive list or complete picture of how everything in my home / partnership is divided but it was a helpful framework to use in the moment to think about what was feeling good and what felt like it needed to be revisited.
Hopefully this can be a helpful way to think about and discuss division of labor in your partnership and home! Share with your partner for your next date night!
and as always, thank you for reading - it means so much to me!
With gratitude,
Sasha