a magic formula for date nights!
how to make it *actually* work for your relationship
This week’s post is a little longer than usual, but oooh, is it worth it.
I am a big fan of a weekly date night.
Every Wednesday night my husband and I joyously bound out of our home (sometimes accompanied by the symphony of whining or crying children) and revel in a few blissful hours of alone time and the JOMB (joy of missing bedtime.) It’s the best - and, it took us many years to get to this place.
Parents need time to step away from their normal routines and reconnect without the interruptions (of kids who will not stfu) and chores of daily life at home. It is one of the first, easy “homework” assignments I will give to couples in therapy; get a babysitter, go out and do something together just the two of you. Every week.
A lot of the time, this is a HUGE ask for couples. Finding a babysitter, managing the logistics, the financial strain of eating out (& childcare), working around someone’s work travel or other obligations can make the ask of a regular standing date feel almost impossible. It’s really hard to start this practice, and even harder to maintain consistency.
Other times, couples will come back to me the following week and say, well, we did the date night and “it was fine.” They have a nice dinner, they take the time out of their week, but they don’t feel any more connected than before. In fact, the effort it took to make the date happen outweighed the benefits they hoped it would bring them and the weekly practice is quickly abandoned.
This is a trap. As with most things, it takes time to settle in and realize the benefits.
Both in my own experience and sitting with countless couples navigating this challenge, these are the tips that I have found make a huge difference in both making date night actually happen with consistency (!!) and facilitating a date night that feels really, really good for you and your partner.
I’m going to break it into two categories - logistics and connection. I think it’s a magic formula. I hope you try (some or all) of it.
Logistics to make it happen:
Keep the date night the same day of the week.
If it’s a moving target, it is very unlikely you’ll be able to stay consistent. Choose one night a week that can be yours. Not a socializing night with friends, not a stressful night, but something that can fit in your week and be something to look forward to.
If you find that you can’t make it work during the evening - I highly recommend a “day date” where you and your partner can grab breakfast or lunch and enjoy each other’s company (and maybe with way better energy, to boot!)
I *love* Wednesday nights because its a) very easy to get reservations and b) its the perfect way to break up the work week and have something fun to look forward to. It is now a sacred day.
Book babysitters & reservations in blocks (4-6 weeks).
One trick I’ve found is to plan in bulk. If you have the ability to have a family member or babysitter, ask them to reserve the week on a standing basis. They come at the same time every Wednesday (for example) - unless you would tell them otherwise. It takes so much coordination off your already busy plate. (The perk of day dates may be that childcare is already handled!)
Make bulk reservations- if you have a list of places you want to try, make reservations for 4-6 weeks so the plans are set and you don’t have to find the energy to choose a place every week. You basically get to show up and thank your past self for doing that work!
Even if you are going to restaurants that don’t require reservations, put it on your calendar. Be intentional, have a plan - that way the “what do you want to eat?” debacle isn’t part of your evening.
3. Take turns planning.
If you handle one block of reservations, ask your partner to do the next set.
One of the big conflicts that can arise around date night is the resentment that one partner is responsible for all the planning and coordination and it feels unfair. Create a schedule so you both are responsible (and by doing it in bulk, this may feel less intimidating.)
4. Mix it up!
Try not to do the same thing every week (unless you want to!) I know some couples who absolutely treasure the same restaurant, same spot, same everything each week - but I am a fan of variety and doing new things together gives your relationship little boosts of dopamine.
The other night, my husband and I finished dinner at a neighborhood spot way too early (like, 645 p) and we did *not* want to go home for bedtime, so we quickly brainstormed and decided to go bowling! It was absolutely goofy, and totally out of our normal routine; we had the best time.
Other ideas might be to go on a long walk, have a picnic, take a workout class together, go to a painting class etc etc. Get creative and also, just go out for dinner if that’s your thing!
5. Parents: make a game plan for the morning beforehand.
There is nothing worse than having a great night, maybe getting a little tipsy, staying out late with your partner only to fight about waking up with the kids the next morning. Don’t ruin a great evening with a crappy morning.
If you have early risers, make a plan ahead of time about how you want to navigate the morning - both of you wake up and enjoy a coffee together? Take turns? Make a plan!
Hot tips for Connection:
*Optional* “fuck first”
Ok, here me out. There is *so* much pressure on date night to be both an emotional and physical connection point. Maybe back in the days of courtship, or pre kids, it was more feasible to go out to dinner and then have the energy (and desire) to have sex. For most parents I talk to, that’s not the case anymore.
If physical intimacy is a goal for your date night (more on physical intimacy next week!) then might I suggest a different approach. I know for me, a belly full of delicious food and a few drinks in, I actually do not feel very comfortable physically and the idea of having sex at the end of the night is unappealing.
“Fuck first” is the idea that you can have physical intimacy - whether it’s making out, touching or intercourse, before you go out. You have more energy, and then you’ll have all the buzzy oxytocin in your body during your date.
Now, what if we have kids in our house and that’s impossible? Great point - this won’t work for everyone, and certainly not every week. Depending on your set up, perhaps the babysitter can take the kids to the playground, perhaps you have a lovely sound machine that can be used and enough privacy to make it happen. Intercourse may not be feasible, but maybe you have a good old fashioned car make out before you get to the restaurant?
(Back to perks of the day date - you may have an empty house on a weekday morning or afternoon? Perhaps your day date takes you to your empty home and bedroom!?)
Get a little dressed up.
It feels easier to tap into the pre baby/pre parenting part of you when you’ve showered and put on something that makes you feel nice. It’s a small tip, but it makes a difference - and it feels really good when your partner checks you out. Like, I’ve still got it! ;)
No phones at the table.
No better way to create distance than a screen. Each time you look at your phone as it lights up or vibrates, you are actively looking away from your partner. It may seem minor, and you’re probably both doing it - but trust me, it disconnects you from the person across the table and it (unintentionally) sends the message, there is something more interesting than you.
Put your phone in your purse or pocket. If you need to check it (is the babysitter calling? Are the kids ok??) tell your partner that's why you’ve pulled it out and then put it right back.
Bring a topic. Put a cap on household & kid topics.
Couples often ask me, what should we be talking about on date night? Well, anything! Except the logistics of your lives!! Nothing less fun than treating date night like a household meeting. That is not what this time is for.
I’ll even invite you to *not* talk about your kids. Or, if you must, talk about them for 10 minutes and then stop. Yes, you are parents and yes, your lives are hugely devoted to your children but actually - this date night isn’t about them!! It’s about you and your relationship. A relationship that you would like to survive the timeline of your children flying the nest. You have to nurture the bond that came before them so that it will be there, after them.
If you want a little help, bring a topic to the date (a book you’ve recently read, a set of conversation cards, or you could print out a list of fun questions to ask each other).
End the night with intention.
You’ve put a lot of time and effort and money into this date. How do you want it to end? Can you discuss your expectations with your partner?
A tip I read many years ago about date night was that the partner who has the least difficulty transitioning between roles (parent/ partner) should be the one to close out with the babysitter.
As a mom, I find it so easy to come home from a date night and immediately jump into parenting questions - how did they do? Did they fall asleep ok? Were they well behaved? … and while these are good things to know, they pull me out of my relaxed, fun date self. If my goal is to end the night in that headspace, then I will ask my husband to take over the end of night chit chat with our sitter and I will sneak upstairs to our bedroom.
Circle back with your partner the next day and tell them how much you like them and what a fun time you had. Et voila! the magic date night formula!
Would love to know what you would add? What have you tried? Where do you and your partner get stuck? I'm happy to brainstorm with you!
Please go on a fun date this week and share this post with your partner!
Happy dating!
Sasha
I wish you had been my therapist but then you wouldn’t have been my darling brilliant daughter! This is a spot on post!